On Food: 12/6/2024
I've struggled with food for years. I think nearly everyone has this problem. Food is required, you can't get away from it, and our bodies and minds are designed to both love and crave it.
What I didn't realize until much later in life is that we're all playing with unfair odds. I thought: I need food, I deserve to have nice things, and I should be able to eat things that taste good. The things that tasted the best, the most amazing, however, were unfairly tricking my brain into thinking it needed those specific (unhealthy) things. It needed so much of those things that I couldn't stop eating them.
I didn't realize that I was being exploited. The foods I was addicted to are known as 'hyper-palatable' foods, and tend to utilize ingredients like refined sugar that hijack your reward centers to make you only want that kind of food. They pack a lot of taste and calories into a relatively small package, and they're pretty cheap to buy. Those foods also screw with your ability to regulate hunger, and even mess with your taste, causing things that don't have a great deal of sugar to taste bland and unpleasant by comparison.
I didn't realize I was playing against an opponent with the odds stacked against me. I didn't even realize I HAD an opponent. The food industry is very good at hiding their motives. I just thought: I need food, I like tasty things, and I don't want to stop eating the tastiest things. As the years went by, I gained more and more weight.
I never got obese, but I definitely got overweight, and eventually I was supporting a daily candy habit on top of a diet of processed meals and fast food.
Then, my dad died. He was never the healthiest person, but not for lack of trying. He tried to eat as well as he knew how, and he got exercise. The day he died, he was visiting the gym and collapsed right there on a treadmill. He suffered from coronary artery disease, which has a strong genetic component on his side of the family. We always knew he wasn't likely to make it to a very old age, but it was still a shock to have my dad die a week short of my 40th birthday. I felt too young to lose a parent, and I couldn't help but start to reflect on my own body and health after seeing his body suddenly and catastrophically give out on him.
I knew I had to change my diet, but I didn't know how, and I didn't anticipate just how difficult it would be. I was addicted to refined sugar, and my body had formulated and streamlined itself to need and want that ingredient. Six months after my dad's funeral, I was still consuming a 'family size' bag of candy nearly every single day.
I wish I could say what finally got me to give that candy up for good. I had tried for months to cut back, to limit, to reduce, and it never worked. Then, one day, I'd just had enough and decided that was the end of my candy consumption, and nine months later, that still holds true. Will it be true for the rest of my life? I don't know, and it was damn hard those first few weeks when I didn't eat any, because I absolutely went through sugar withdrawal. It's also incredibly hard to find food in the supermarket that doesn't contain added sugar. You have to read ingredients very carefully, and to be honest: I eventually gave up buying pre-made, packaged foods and went only with whole foods, because at least then I would know what I was getting.
It's possible that trying and failing for months was actually what finally led to me being able to be done with it. I've read that you have to work yourself up to quitting an addiction, and you also have to truly want it. Perhaps practicing and trying for a while is what led to it, but I really don't know. I do know that small changes over time are much more reasonable and sustainable than large ones, and it is definitely true that I was not able to fix my unhealthy diet before I had made other incremental changes in my life, such as giving up weed and alcohol (each their own struggle, each could have their own post) and building up a habit of exercise every day (again, something that could be its own post).
I think everyone inherently knows what is actually good for their body; eat right, exercise, do things in moderation, blah blah blah. The real mystery is HOW to do those things, and I'm still not entirely sure. I would like to explore that more in future posts, but I think the primary thing that's worked for me is, as mentioned before, small incremental changes to habits.
The changes can't all come in one huge whack, like a new years resolution to 'get healthy', because it's not sustainable. You have to allow your brain to build up the habits slowly, so they become part of your lifestyle. They have to become automatic, or you'll eventually slide back to what actually is automation, such as eating tasty candy or drinking booze.
If you're looking for advice here: the best I can offer is, start small. Pick a minor thing to change and form a habit slowly over weeks or months that you can sustain. Don't go trying to change something else until that thing is set in your lifestyle for good and you don't even have to think about it anymore. I realize that advice can be frustrating, since many people who are looking to change want to make a lot of big changes, because they are miserable and want to get to that moment in the future where they feel good as fast as possible. Unfortunately, as someone who once felt that way, I fear that massive change is extremely difficult and potentially impossible for many. I don't want to say it can't be possible, but it didn't work for me. I had to change things slowly, methodically, and carefully, before anything stuck and became part of my life for good.
I still have improvements and habits I want to form, but it's easier now, because I'm in a good place mentally, and I know how to change myself successfully. I pick one 'project' at a time, and I work on it until it's done. Someday I'll tackle the fact that I still bite my nails, but I don't think I'm ready for that one yet.
On Anxiety: 12/5/2024
Why should you listen to me? Well, you definitely don't have to, and whether or not what I put up on this blog is actually wisdom is up for interpretation. I'm writing this because I've achieved the moderately notable distinction of reaching middle age and being content and happy with my life. I've not conquered suffering, for I don't believe I'm capable of such enlightenment, but I am indeed content. For anyone who hasn't managed that, there could be some tidbits of wisdom in my words, and if not, at least I'm adding content to the internet that isn't generated by AI (though of course I know that AI will vaccuum up these words later to add to the blob).
Read on if you care to, as I promise these will always be my own words and not someone (or something) else's. I have a desire to share what I've learned after 41 years of life, and if some of that is helpful to you, I am grateful. If it angers you, I hope instead that you stop reading and find other ways to reach contentment. I have no desire to be unkind to others or cause them harm.
My topic for today is anxiety and how I've managed to tamp that problem down. I, like many others, spent much of my youth suffering from anxious thoughts, and it had a fairly negative impact on my life. I had a normal childhood, with little reason to have these mental health issues, at least that I could see, and I tended to blame and shame myself for having them. I think this is a fairly common occurrence for people who suffer in this way, and I may not be able to solve that problem for you, as I'm certainly not a licensed therapist or professional. I spent much of my youth asking myself why I couldn't be normal, and why I had to suffer in this way, when everyone else was doing fine.
I think the first realization I had that actually helped out was that, as it turns out, everyone else actually isn't doing fine. Its really hard to see, as we aren't in anyone else's head, and often people are very good at masking their internal struggles. Its actually quite normal to suffer and feel badly, and if you do feel that way, you are not alone and there is not something inherently wrong about you that makes you this way. To be clear: I'm not saying that to minimize your suffering, for I'm sure its acute and painful, but only to say that you share a normal human condition, and there is a community of people out there who also have the potential to understand how you feel and sympathise greatly. This understanding was one point on a path to healing for me, as I often felt very alone in my pain and did not understand why I had to suffer when others did not. Realizing I was actually normal when I always thought I was abnormal and broken was a step in the right direction for having a more positive mindset about myself.
I want to stop here and talk about the fact that my healing was a path that I walked, am still walking, and it has been a long one. There is no quick fix to contentment, and I so badly wanted there to be when I was younger. That desire hindered my ability to progress for a while. I wanted to feel better NOW, which is absolutely an understandable desire, given how badly I felt. I just wanted it to go away, and try as I might, it would not. You may well be in that state right now, and I wish I could tell you what the quick fix is, but I honestly don't believe there is one. That doesn't mean things can't get better; the reason I decided to write this blog was because I want to share with people that it CAN get better. I want to share the journey I went on myself as proof of that.
Another step on my journey occurred when I realized just how mean to myself I was; so mean that I eventually realized I would be appalled if I treated a friend this way. Could I not be my own friend? Shouldn't I treat myself the way I wanted to treat others? It wasn't easy to shift that mindset after years of being cruel to myself; the brain creates pathways with lots of practice, after all, but it is still plastic and can be rewired, and I was able to rewire myself through practice. I am not nearly as mean to myself as I used to be. Kindness is a blessing, and can (and should) be applied to yourself just as much as you would to someone you care about. You deserve friends, and because you deserve friends, you deserve to treat yourself like you would a friend. Practice being kind to yourself. It won't be easy at first if you've spent a lot of time practicing being cruel, but with time, it will become natural.
Another step in this process was also to cut back on my caffiene intake. This may be my most controversial take, as people certainly love their coffee, and I do, too! I did not give up caffiene, that turned out to be impossible, but I did realize that 4 giant cups of coffee a day might not be in my best interest. I was surprised to find just how much my anxiety went down when I started limiting my intake. If you are willing, give this a try. It might be the only potential quick fix on this list; it actually was such a significant change for me that I was somewhat shocked. I went from what I would describe as anxiety levels of 10+ down to a much more manageable 3 in a very short period of time (once I got over some of the withdrawl).
Finally, I had to learn to listen to and live with my thoughts. This may be the most terrifying of all the advice I can give; most people have so much trouble with this because those thoughts are what torture them every day, and most people have various distraction methods to alleviate them. The problem with that, I have found, is that when you ignore your brain and those thoughts, they absolutely will not shut up, and you have to continue to increase the distractions and drowing them out to increasingly higher levels. Starting to actually tune into these thoughts is not easy, and I struggled with it for years. People will wonder at this stage why you would even want to. I certainly didn't! However, I came upon some advice that I have found to be truthful now that I've taken this journey: the brain will actually start to calm down once you process the thoughts. It's not going to stop bothering you with them UNTIL you address them. Once you do, it starts to taper off.
I had to start by telling myself I would only listen to them for 30 seconds at a time, and then I could go back to my distractions again. I did this for months, only a few seconds at a time, before I was able to tolerate longer stints with my mind. The thoughts were unpleasant, and I didn't want to face them; it sucked to do that! But, I chipped away at it because I was starting to find benefits. They did quiet down, they did get processed, and eventually I could do five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes at a time without any distractions. I was able to both do chores without podcasts and meditate for longer and longer stretches of time. This was kind of like training for a 5k race or some other kind of exercise - I had to work up to it, and it was uncomfortable, but once I committed to it, I was glad I did it. My mind has quieted itself significantly because I've dealt with all its crap, and there has been much less suffering since then.
I don't know if these words will help you on your journey. If they have, I am grateful, if they haven't, I hope that you find something one day that helps you with your suffering. If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, be kind to the world.